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feel it in the air

 I don't believe I ever intended for this thing to be public or a resource. I just know that for six months I've written so I wouldn't forget. I wrote because I needed to. The words were many and the feelings even moreso. I 've ebbed and flowed in grief and joy. In freedom and bondage. It has been maddening and beautiful. Excellent and excruciating. Something I can't believe I've been blessed enough to live and driven me to the point of wanting to take my own life. I've thrived and been suicidal. Heavily so. 

Today the depression is back as it was a month ago. Yesterday, too. It's been heavy. Almost unbearably so. I'd like to think I'd never go through with it. I think my sound judgement will win each time but it's scary to think of those times when I genuinely just do not care anymore. I don't want to die; I just don't want to feel this way anymore. The feelings always fade. Replaced by laughter or reminders that this, too, shall pass. I''ll be okay and look back like I have every other time and know that I got through it because the Lord fought for me and I only needed to be still. I've advocated for my boundaries and said what I need. I've created space to type and cry out to the Lord to just give me wisdom. To show me the ways only He can direct. I so desperately want to be obedient to that while being overwhelmed with not knowing which way to turn. So I'll just shut it all down and stay still for a season. Seeking Him fervently like I did all those months ago because He is enough and always has been. 

Just like I am enough and worth loving. I don't need to be chosen by anyone to have value. But today I don't believe that. My feelings don't match that sentiment. So I'll ride out today's grief hoping it'll pass by morning. That it'll be fleeting and a distant memory, but not so distant that I can't recall what it's like to be so desperately broken so I can give glory back to Him alone for carrying me through. 

It's been a rough few days. Wanting the approval and to be chosen by the only person I've wanted to be chosen by. To accept the fact that I'm not enough, I'm not right, I'm not it. And I'm unsure I ever was. That's a hard pill to swallow. The Lord hates divorce because it hurts us, among other reasons. I didn't grasp the magnitude with which it would hurt. I had no way of preparing my heart for the gut wrenching feeling of watching the life I'd dreamed of just fall apart. The devastating ripples are massive. They're all encompassing. They've leveled me and made me question every decision I've made this year, and all the many before it. I've learned I can trust myself and doubt even more so. 

We'll add today to the long list of emotions I've felt this year. Where I have a chance to look back on the road of grief I'm on. I'm confident time will take away the sting. That the sorrows of today will vanish mostly. It won't feel as fresh and daunting. But giving myself the space to be angry and sad and altogether brokenhearted is a step in the right direction. Not the direction of stuffing and faking, but of accepting that I'm going to be okay regardless of knowing the how. 

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