you asked for this

 there's nothing pretty about divorce. nothing pretty about packing and spending thousands of dollars to rebuild a new home. a home that you wanted and couldn't wait to get into. there's the idea of what it'll be like and then the actual living it out. though you still feel in your heart you made the right decision there is ease in the comfort of what's been for so long. a security in the toxicity. an uncomfortably comfortable predictability that though interactions will be loud, terse, or completely absent, it's still all you've known. the finality of it all sets in and the realization that there's nothing you can do about it because it's the most wise thing you can do will level you. but you'll put pants on (or not) and pack the boxes of memories and things bought with shared money. you'll wonder if you'd stuck it out just a day, week, month, year longer would the result have been different. and the converse-should you have stayed you'd always have wondered what leaving would have been like. especially when you'd been trying to get out for so long.