things look different

 I've traded one relationship for another my entire life. In fact I don't know that there has ever been a time in my life that I wasn't interested in someone, one foot in the door and the other out. I know this is deeply rooted in insecurity and an uncertainty in who I am and Whose I am. This has ebbed and flowed over time but has done me a large disservice.

I was first engaged in 2006 to my college sweetheart who I treated as anything but. I couldn't remain physically or emotionally faithful to him because, frankly, I didn't want to. I had such a desire to run and play with reckless abandon while desperately wanting someone to love me. I didn't know me to love me so how could I expect anyone else to? It wasn't fair to ask someone else to love me more than I did. After years of off and on dating he rightly ended things for good. I moved out of our apartment that he cosigned on but never lived in October of 2008. 

I moved in with my parents and reconnected with my now ex-husband who I had met at a party in high school. I was desperate for a wedding and, again, someone to love me. We were engaged in December of that year and married in March of the next. I was engaged to one man and married to another within 5 months. That marriage was marked by infidelity and an inability to attach emotionally. 

6 months ago Thomas literally walked into my life. In that time we've worked together and I've held him at a distance because 1. I needed to and 2. I wanted to. Nothing about that man has changed since I've known  him and for months I've seen his character be revealed and stay exactly the same over and over again. From friends to strangers asking me when we're going to finally be together and he and I have held a very platonic and professional relationship, I was the one late to the party. I've stepped foot inside, now. Not fully ready to dance to the music or pick up a drink and stay for awhile, but I realized through meetings with those in church, trusted friends, my own prayer, and reading books that the things I've written about wanting for my life for months and years exist and I've just been too blind unwilling to see it. I have written things and have wrestled with how I got here. How I knew nothing about NAMI before January 15 and now I'm employed by them. How I have been emotionally bankrupt and just surviving just to realize that besides the Lord Himself, this man is responsbile for taking care of so many details of my professional life without my asking because that's the kind of man he is. He's done these things for our friends now, and the friends before us, too. His character is noble and full of humility. He is a man worth adoring. And I do. As I walk through what I believe God says about divorce and reconciliation, about dating and a life pleasing to Him, I came to realize that my framework for who He is has been much too small. I've limited Him to caring about the details for everyone but me.