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gray area

 I've been a 'good Christian girl' for as long as I can remember. A rule follower with a sensitive conscience and a desire to love everyone and be loved in return. With a few scandalous years mixed in between, you could call me at my core a goody two shoes. I challenge that sometimes with rap music I listen to and some of my clothing choices but my heart is about as big as they come.

Life for me has been pretty black and white. There's right and wrong and that's it. There's Republican and Fox news and then lies. There's good people who look and act like us and then there's those who are wrong who we must show them how to be more like us to make them more right. I've bought into this for decades, and thought my heart has always been one that didn't believe I was being manipulative, rather that I was actually helping people be better by subconsciously diving into my own tightly held belief systems. I'd show them. I'd love them so much that they can't help but want to be more like me. Look how great I am, how together my life is.

I don't talk about my divorce publicaly much because the man I was with for nearly 13 years is a good man. One who loves his kids, is a good friend, and worked as hard as he could to be a good husband. The details of how we got divorced are ours to protect and keep within a very small circle of friends who walked with us through profound pain. Some loved us better than others. My social circle changed tremendously because, I believe, it's sometimes confusing to know how to love and support someone who is doing something you don't understand. I lost friends, my ex husband gained many. And if you know us, you know this is something wholly necessary. See, I'm someone who has long collected people, homies to love, encourage, and hang out with me because I've been so insecure I needed constant validation that I was worth inviting things to. That I was worth loving and caring for so I always brought gifts and baked goods hoping I'd shower others with enough stuff that they'd associate me with the good. 

In the last 5 months through intense counseling, prayer, meetings, tears, and so much processing I have come to realize that though I wasn't consciously doing these things, the root of my behavior was rooted in not believing that just Elizabeth was worth being friends with, loving, or supporting. I've always believed you needed a reason to do that and you'd directly correlate what I offer you with wanting to keep me around. As I've navigated a very isolating season of my life, starting a new job, moving into my own place and being solo with my three beautiful kids, and wrestling with the magnitude of how my life has changed,

The biggest lesson, though, is this idea of gray area. That things are not always black and white. Sure, some things are, but I'd venture to make the case that 99.9% of what we believe to be wrong may actually not be with some perspective. The opportunity to provide grace to those whose circumstances and actions you may not understand, is beautiful.








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