safety in insecurity

 I have sat on this for so long-wrestling with what I hope to be true and what actually is. It's really the best thing. I'm broken and guarded. Afraid and equally not. I just love you. I just freaking do. This blog started as love letters to Jesus and my fear is that they're turning into love letters to you. That I'm replacing Christ with you and holding you to a standard you've should never be. I'm so afraid I'm going to love you too much and for not long enough. That I'll be in this constant state of healing and reflection that I'll never be well enough to commit to anything besides friendly. But in my heart I am safe and I am so, so known. I am deeply and intimately loved. Cherished and adored. It's likely the most tangible example of love I've known and I thank God for a chance to feel that. To feel even a fraction of the love He has for me through you. 

You make me a priority. You consider my feelings and show interest in who I am and what I'm about. You love my kids and you allow me space to fall apart. You are steady and you are precious. You take initiative and are so kind. You're just the nicest person I know. Just the nicest. I hit the jackpot with you. My little heart could just explode with how much you make me feel at home. At how much you just empower and encourage me. You're my biggest fan. And I sincerely hope you know I'm yours. I am convinced though there's things I'm better at that you want me to succeed and beat you anyway. You want me to win and you coming in behind that is just as exciting for you. There's no competition because we're on the same team. If I win you win. And when you win I want everyone to know it but I simply don't know how. It feels so unkind to be so relieved. Not that I've come out of ongoing trauma but I've just been so blind as to how distorted my way of living had been. How tragic and toxic and I'm refusing to pretend like I didn't contribute to that in egregious ways.

I'd venture to guess that you've given to me, and I to you, to redeem the years the locusts destroyed. The years we helped tear down and the ones that were burned down without us knowing. I have said it before and I'll say it again-if i get to end up with you, if none of this was a mistake or a misread, you will be the literal most tangible example of God's love I have ever known. What it took to get us here, at this time, in these places, bearing the burdens and hurts we've carried and we literally found each other and nurtured something so precious and sincere and we've set ourselves up to do it right...I can't help but cry. I don't know a life without you and I don't want to. I want you to say stupid things to me over and over again and let me tell you that I think you're lame and dumb but also when you answer the phone I have to hang up because I can't even look at you sometimes because you're so good. You're too good. It's just so good. You left a bar and loved me.  Woke up early to bring me coffee and loved me. Called me after every work out to tell me I did a good job today. Asked to just hold my hand and loved me. You've prayed for me and loved me. You've stood up for me and loved me. You've thrown me lavender oil and sat close enough to make me aware you're near but not so close that I couldn't focus on the come down from a panic attack and loved me. You've loved Kansas and loved me. You've ordered business cards and bought Gatorades and puzzles and loved me. You've set physical boundaries and loved me. 

You've loved me and adored me. You've shown up, set up, tore down, emailed, and uplifted everything i care about and adored me. You've winked and nodded at me and adored me. You've sat with me as I opened Jordan's and adored me. You've encouraged me to save money and adored me. You've empowered me and adored me. You've done photoshoots with me and adored me. Went to bat for me and got me a job and adored me. You've stayed up all night to watch a sunrise and adored me. Made me a playlist while I organized a pantry and adored me. You agreed to virtual meetings just to protect my heart and adored me.

I could add to these lists, and have every intention of doing so. You've loved and adored me and the amount of respect I have for you is unrivaled. No one can touch you. I don't care about their shoe game, weight lifting, rap skills, or other traditional things that might draw me in. I care about how you care about my heart and hold it equally gently and firmly. You remind me all the time that just me is more than enough and that you're not settling. You remind me that I am worth advocating for and that I am supremely intelligent. You encourage me to carry myself in a way worthy of respect because you respect me and tell me over and over again that I'm more than what I do for others. You are my most precious thing. When I think of all the terrible things I've done, ways I've treated others, and generally let myself down and despite all of those failures I still get the chance to be with you-cared for by you in ways no one else is-I can't keep it together. You're just the most incredible man. I want to love you for the rest of my life and have no plans on stopping. Your willingness to remind me over and over again that I'm the only one you see softens my heart just enough each time to not run away because if anyone ever got a chance to be loved by you they'd realize just how good they have it and want you too. I am not in the business of sharing. I don't fully know what a life with you will look like but I know what one without you has been and I hate that very much.

I want to do things that make you proud. I want you at everything to encourage me and not show up to be let down. I want to cheer you on and tell everyone how kind and talented you are. I want to be the safe space to land like you are for me. I know you and I love you and I adore you. Just you. I've said these things in so many ways but it always ends up being the same. It's just you. And it always has been. And it always will be,

Thank you for being you and letting me in. Thank you for taking a chance on me and continuing to take that chance every day because you have to be strong when I'm falling apart and uncertain of what move to make next. I want to love you like you love me and I'm fearful I can't, but I'm committed to trying because you're worth loving and loving well. You're worth sacrificing for and prioritizing. You're worth considering above myself and cherishing. You're worth little spooning and encouraging. You're worth pouring into and being led by. You're worth trusting and following. You're worth it all because you've done nothing but proven over and over again that your character is worth caring about. Your love isn't just focused on me- it's poured out into those around us in ways I'm elated to see. You're incredible. You just are. And I love you. That is all. And that is enough.