of power and of love

My favorite Bible verse has long been 2 Timothy 1:7 - For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind. The KJV has always resonated most with me. In the height of my anxiety I'd often remind myself of this verse over and over and over again. The fear that I'm feeling is not of the Lord. He's not a God of confusion. Peace and comfort may often look different and God can use people and surroundings to provide that when He's not physically present. Other translations use self control and self discipline instead of a sound mind. The King James translation hits the most close to home for me. For so long I've felt like a prisoner in my own mind. Like the only respite I can find is at the mercy of those around me to tell me what I need to do to be well. The whole time I've had what I needed I just didn't have the clarity to see it in this way. And perhaps the Lord waited for a time such as this to reveal this new piece of who He is to me. Conversely, it's entirely possible that my own busyness and selfishness has kept me from the most abundant version of life possible. Either way, my thankfulness during this season is overwhelming. The goodness of God is so real and I wonder how much of it I've missed over the years because I've been so afraid to over spiritualize everyday occurrences. But if every good thing comes from above then I've been punting on opportunities to give glory to God. What a shame that is. But there's no condemnation in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).

I feel like lately there's been a veil removed from the way I view Him. Like somehow I'm giving Him more credit for the goodness in my life and more aware of all the ways He's been there all along. Like all this time I've seen Him one way and missed out on half of His character. I've been so overwhelmed by getting it wrong that I forgot that I got it right when I admitted that apart from Him I'll always fall short. The incessant need to do and perform for acceptance has worn me thin. Despite my future being full of fear, if I can be so transparent, God is one of Power, Love, and though I'm paraphrasing here, peace. 

I've spent many hours crying on the floor of various closets-it's one of the places I feel the most safe. I'm unsure if it's because of the smallness of the space as it brings comfort. Perhaps it's the darkness and solitude. Whatever it is my bedroom closet is where I go and pour it all out when I can't seem to escape the loudness in my head or the demands of the outside world. It's there, oftentimes with lavender oil, that I begin the cycle of talking myself off the cliff. Typically it's related to some physical ailment- a headache that's a brain tumor, a chest pain that's a heart attack, a pull in my leg that's a blood clot. My brain doesn't discriminate on how far down the rabbit trail it goes. We go from 0-100 real quick. 

Though, over the years, this particular anxiety related to my health issues has by and large mostly gone away, it's given way to a new paranoia. My belief about God and who He says I am and  what He's doing (and has done) is being challenged in sweet ways. I'd be lying if there wasn't a small part of me waiting for the 'gotcha.' I've carried on with this sweet belief that the Lord is not one of coincidence. He's one who orchestrates my steps. He places me in the path of others and what I choose to do with those relationships is just an opportunity to be His hands and feet. No need for acknowledgement-just an opportunity for people to feel, on a very miniscule level, what it means to be seen, known, chosen and loved.

As I seek to explain to myself how this verse is applicable to my life now the idea that God has given us a spirit of power. Though I'm unsure how that translates to supernatural physical strength, I know that He allows us to walk through difficulties and I presume that is to be able to give the praise back to Him for His divine strength to persevere. If left to our own devices we'd never make it- we needed a Savior to save us from sin, and from making ourselves the gods of our own lives. I know I fall into the trap of self reliance over and over again. I need a quick, tangible result and a means to an end so with my work ethic it's very easy for me to elevate myself to a position that's always been intended for Him. I'm often so quick to pat myself on the back or, conversely, cut myself down when  things fall short. It always feels so kitschy to say all these platitudes about 'I am who You say I am' and  so forth. But, it suddenly doesn't seem so....shallow. It feels very much like the gentlest of reminders that I'm so much more than the work I do and the way I decide to talk about myself.

There's not enough room to elaborate on what a spirit of love means. I think about all the ways I love-all the things, people, activities, on and on. I just love generally anything. It doesn't take much for me to feel an affinity for a person or object. I'm easily and quickly filled with joy. There's not much that doesn't impress me and that doesn't mean I have low standards. I like to think it's one of my finer attributes. I can't imagine being any other way. I've tried to be more reserved and guarded but it always falls so very flat. It's inauthentic to who I am and if I'm constantly stifling my inclination to just serve those around me. It can be through cooking, baking, physical gifts, or a note. I need my people to know where they stand with me. Perhaps because I need such constant reassurance that I'm enough from those around me. 

My insecurities often run deep and I have no good reason why I carry much of my childhood with me. As I'm processing that in counseling, along with much more, I'm finding that there's reasons for my behaviors that I've long thought were irrelevant and just made up for some dramatic flair. The empowerment that comes with having an explanation for a bit of why I am the way I am has been such a source of relief. As someone who has long not trusted herself because of reasons I still don't understand, it's quite encouraging to see glimpses of a a light at the end of a tunnel. I'm unsure where its leading but I'm along for the ride in a way I've not ever been. To hold this life loosely and surrender any semblance of normal and comfortable is a foreign concept. But my God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind and that's where I'm going to rest. Really, really rest.