home

I’m the one who does everything for everyone all the time. The one who sees needs before the person even realizes they need them. The one who does the thing, buys the thing, does the task so you don’t have to, and on and on and on. I’m the one who works, begging to be seen. The one who is too much and not enough all at the same time. The one who has tried for a decade to wrap her head around why, despite all the doing-being wasn’t enough.

The frustration at that is minimal. The sadness is extreme. And though I’ve taken steps to get out every day for 3650 days, I’m at the door and can’t fathom what’s to come. But I’ll be able to breathe. Everything gets muddled when you can’t breathe. You can’t see or perform. Over time your ability to do things for anyone-including yourself- gets lost in the shuffle. Breathing is essential to life and, believe me when I say, I’ve been dead for a long time. So long that I'm coming out on the other side an entirely different person who’s still figuring out what alive Elizabeth looks like. The identity in re:gen, baking, cooking, meal prep, drinking, exercise, eating and not eating...all of it...was worthless. It mattered not how much I cleaned, cooked, and stayed home. How little money I spent or social things I signed myself or family up for- I just was never going to be enough. I could never receive the love that’s been expressed to me over and over the past few weeks because I don’t speak that language. I don’t understand how I’ve been loved or cared for at all. But apparently I have been. And, sure, I can acknowledge that and appreciate the effort, despite never being able to feel a bit of it. And despite coming to the conclusion that just me may actually be worth loving. And wouldn’t you know I never had to try.

I didn’t have to do anything but show up. Show up and say hi. That’s all it freaking took. I haven’t had to pick up anything, give anything, sleep with anyone, or perform. I just am. And that’s always been enough. I’m not one to self sabotage things. I’m not that type of person. I’m not one to see a good thing, get scared, and push that aside. It causes pause for me but it certainly does make me wonder why am I enough now? Why, despite all the times I’ve tried to leave is this the time I’m actually getting out. It’s like I’ve plotted my own prison escape for years and finally I have help getting out. And that help has been there all along I just didn’t realize I was worth helping myself. That despite my longtime roles as a wife and a mother, before I can do either of those things I needed Christ to wreck me for Him in a new way. A way that would allow me to just rest. To rest and be and be still. Be enough-not lacking in anything. Not waiting for a future cleaned up version-but one who is worth caring for. Not one who is leaner or stronger or eats differently. Just Elizabeth is worth it.

I have learned many lessons over the past few months. One of which is that what I say matters. That my ideas are worth listening to and the ways I want to love those around me are valuable. It’s not an inconvenience. I am not an inconvenience. My desire to serve and love and do and go isn’t something I need to feel bad about. It’s to be encouraged and celebrated because I’m uniquely wired to love people in a way that most others do not. I’ve not seen it since I lived at home with two parents who model that day in and day out. I didn’t even realize the depth of how much I needed that in my life. There’s a safety net in being around people who are just pure and kind. In a genuine way that does more for my soul than I could ever explain because I don’t even fully understand. 

Lately there’s a lot I don’t understand. The most unique thing about that is how easy it has been to transition from someone unsure of where she stands and what she’s about because this organization is good but it’s not huge and why would anyone care to partner with someone who may have great sneakers but her mission and vision are as jumbled as she is? But we’ve found those people-hundreds of them. And their opinions matter the least of all. Because if I think about it, and think rightly about it, I’ve had plenty of people in my corner. I’m surrounded by good people-great people. People who shoot straight with me and love me so, so well. People who  are more than willing to do what they can to help me succeed both personally and professionally. 

But not like this. Not anywhere near anything like this. And I love Tom Lewis something fierce but even as I think back on the ways that he had to be gone for work or miss trips because of his job and all the times he never let me forget I was the most important person in his world, there was driven a subtle message, a definite lie, that he would give me money or try and pay me off for being gone so much. I now know that none of that was in an effort to buy my love-it was just a man being a good man and loving his kid. I’ll never forget the time in college he slid me a $50 as I left out of the driveway to go back to my dorm and I cried calling him telling me he didn’t have to pay me off. The hurt in his voice was so deep and has resonated with me ever since.  Sometimes people just do nice things and you should let them. I don’t know how to let them. I don’t know how to accept kindness. There’s no reason for this and I cannot pinpoint the why but what I can tell you is that it impacts my life in nuanced ways that I don’t enjoy. It makes me supremely uncomfortable and awkward. I’m not proud of this but, whatever man, here we are.

Here’s the crux of all of this blabbering about- and I mean this with all the sincerity in the world- I have not one time been cared for in such a selfless, ongoing way. There’s no requirement to do anything except show up and then go take a nap. I just live my freaking life and do what I can to make Katy suck less and then when I don’t feel like doing that anymore I need to just stop. Because I’m worth stopping for. I’m not sure why. And I doubt I’ll ever know. I do not ever recollect a time where I’ve been around someone so about me that I can be  as weird and dumb and mean and nice and terrible and hilarious as I want and none of it is a deal breaker. All of me is the win. It’s like- what’s a person to do with such peace and security when they’ve lived in a mess of chaos, discontentment, and uncertainty? What kind of idiot would throw that away? Someone real dumb, that’s who. If there’s anything I know-it’s that I am not dumb. I am many things that are very cringeworthy  but I am not dumb. 

I’m catty when my feelings are hurt and I can be condescending when I feel threatened. I do a lot of things that are unloving but I am adored in a way that I still have to stop and wonder what in the world I did that the Lord didn’t see because He’s given me the most precious thing I’ve ever had. That I just want to protect and do right and care for and about because the only thing this deserves is to be given a fair shot. When that is, I’m not sure, but I am  here for it. There’s the part of me that wants to show up with my A game every day and just be a physical reminder that good things are possible and then I remember that’s not what we do anymore. I don’t have to wear the clothes or wear the makeup, or meet some sort of short lived physical need. I don’t have to do anything. But I get to. And what a privilege that no one will convince me is otherwise. 

And so here I sit, overwhelmed with just pure gratitude. And I don’t know why this is my life. I don’t even know what that life’s going to look like but I will say that even if I’m wrong and being lied to and deceived in a new kind of way that’s twisted and wrong, that’s so fine. It’s fine because I will know that I’ve learned a lesson in the past third of my life and that’s that I don’t have to accept  and chase after the affections of whoever will give it to me. I don’t want that from anyone else. At all. It’s so out of character for me. I’m always floating around looking for the next thing but when what you’ve found is just the most tangible example of what kindness in its purest form looks like you don’t just throw that way for a chance that someone else could be any better. They just couldn’t. I’ve walked through a lot and I’m telling you it’s impossible. I don’t know how to put into words what it means to be treated so kindly. Intentionally pursued with no strings attached. I’ve known nothing like this and i just have to sigh sometimes and stare and watch it is that’s going on because it doesn’t feel like someone like me should have this. 

I know I say I won’t fight anyone for this but I think I would. I really think I’d throw a raging fit over that. I think I’d face some serious backlash for how deeply saddened I’d be to lose out on a shot. I’ve watched months of my life go on with more excitement and encouragement than I’ve experienced in years because of reasons I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I don’t have to understand the why to just ask to be chosen for a little bit longer. It doesn’t have to even be a long time but I’d just love a chance to be part of something excellent that I’m not sure anyone else would ever get. The rarity of this is astounding and I love good things. And I love this thing. I adore this thing. And every single freaking thing about it. Sure I’ll probably mess it up along the way because that’s just what I do but I’m so quick to run as fast as I can to try and fix it and make it better and right again because when it’s not good I’m not good. 

So here goes nothing. The girl with the love handles and the incessant need to do and go and be all the time has finally found a second to sit down. To breathe and be thankful. And I can sit and breathe for a good long time. There’s no rush to do or make anything out of it. It just is. We just are. And I can think of nothing I want more. I just want a shot, a real chance, to see if I’ve created something out of nothing. If I’m living in this fairy tale where this is my life. And if I am I’m good with that because the lessons I’ve learned in what it means to advocate for yourself, kindly and respectfully but also with conviction and determination, are what I’ve needed. I’ve needed to be rooted and reminded that what I am is a woman with a voice worth listening to, dreams worth chasing, and a heart worth treating with a type of adoration people only dream about. What I am is a woman who has poured out and loved every bit of it, who’s rallied behind others with nothing to gain, and a woman who despite judgment and incessant questioning, is finally home.