"For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in'Cause you make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way"
It's always easy for me to substitute a person I care about for the "you" in this song. But that's wholly missing the point. It's not about him. It's about Him. And because of Him I have him. And because of Him I have her. And them. I have so many in my corner who are champions of my joy, security, and success but as great as they are they all pale in comparison. In 34 years I've not ever believed that to be true. I have fully realized in the truest sense of the word that these people are literal gifts that the Lord has given to me to speak truth and abounding grace into my chaos. Into my brokenness. And I am shattered inside. Less so today than yesterday or the day before but still incredibly wounded and I'm not entirely sure I'll feel like I'm worthy of much. My prayer-my sincerest prayer- is that I believe that to be true. I want to know what it's like to feel like what I bring to the table is worth serving and consuming. That I offer a unique perspective that's to be respected and trusted. Not in a fake it til you make it kind of way but in a real, humble, way, share that what I believe to be true and helpful could be implemented. I've realized that I have a voice that doesn't have to be meek and riddled with apologies and excuses. It doesn't have to provide others a way out-I can say what I mean with full conviction which doesn't mean that I'm dismissive of others but I can confidently say what I want and what I don't enjoy. What I'd love to see happen and what needs to stop immediately.
My God is a voice for the voiceless, or the stifled. The ones who aren't sure what they have to say is worth any value. And if I may take it a step further, ones who aren't sure their bodies are more than means to an end. Chores, errands, sex, helping hands, anything. We are more than the things we do for others. We're more than making someone's life easier. We are not defined by our works-though I'd make the case, and so would the Bible that faith without works is dead but that's for another time. All this to say- we have intrinsic worth that should be elevated in a way that doesn't devalue others. It's a fine line but it's one to be aware of.
Back to the bravery. My confidence, bravery, opinion about self, is from above. It should no longer be found tied into who loves me or who doesn't. If I feel lovable or worth being with. If I see myself as more than an object to meet a need. Or a reason to find someone else to meet it because I'm not measuring up to a standard I was never meant to meet in the first place. I cannot save anyone and I don't need saving by anyone than the One who already did. And as He calls me to to discover more deeply who He is and how He's going to sustain me, not anyone else I feel overwhelming peace that He's not lying. Sure he's using people in profound ways that forces me to weep nearly daily. The goodness of God is near to me through His people. The fact that he's been so gracious to reveal more of who He is to me in the midst of a storm I never anticipated I'd be in, much less for this long. But I like to think that God's timing is perfect and though He hates divorce, He loves me. A lot. Enough that if I was the only person on this earth He'd still have died on that cross. All my idolatry everywhere else for decades-He'd still have died. I can think of no thought more sobering than that one.
It's only recently that I've discovered the connection that worship music isn't some weird love song to a Savior. It really makes sense. I've long felt a disconnect there. Like, how is it possible to write a song so intimate about a God so far away that you can't possibly know. And I've been sorely mistaken. It's not weird to express love, appreciation, and gratitude to the One who gave us life. I'm unsure where this belief came from but I've held onto it long enough that it has distorted how I feel about many things. I am so encouraged that our God is not one of confusion-He's one of kindness and gentleness. He's not waiting to drop a horrific disaster into my lap for disobedience or fumbling around. He's a good, good Father. And He's not just mine. He's near to Elizabeth because Elizabeth is brokenhearted. He's near to me because I am chosen. He's near to me because He makes me brave and for that I can say I never knew I needed. It's a slow shuffle to get through each day but the light at the end of the tunnel feels so much less dim than it ever has. There's hope where there once was not. There's excitement and gladness that is pure. I can think of no other word to describe how I've been so well loved except that it's the most pure thing I've ever felt in my entire life. There's no ulterior motive or strings attached. Just Elizabeth is more than enough. And enough for Christ. And that fact will bring me to my knees over and over again with heart wrenching pain because I'm in this limbo of in between one life and another. There is physical pain as a result of this and I don't even know how to put into words what it's like to feel so deeply oppressed and not even realize what's been happening to me. I've died over the past decade. A slow death. It has been long and painful. It has wounded me to the core so much that I don't know that I could function in much of any capacity in a well intentioned relationship because what I've given up of myself has caused me to feel less than and not enough. That the way I want to worship or spend my time, the way I desire to love and serve is somehow altogether wrong.
It is not.
It never was.
It never will be.
And being enough in the eyes of my God is enough. Taking those steps to see myself in the way Christ has since before I was born has created several opportunities for bravery. And so that's my prayer. That I'd continue to be brave and to surround myself with people that remind me that Christ is the reason I have any bravery in my body whatsoever. Because He's always been enough and the reason for every good thing. I can think of nothing better than the sweet rest that comes in knowing there's not a single thing I can do to make Him love me any more, or any less. That He will sustain me as He always has, and that the little moments around me are not coincidence but that He's made me for a good purpose that's uniquely mine and that, y'all, is worth stepping out and being brave to pursue.
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