I Will Give You Rest

 As I seek to build a new home-not rebuild an old one- I find myself still camped out in Matthew- this time 11:25-30:

At that time Jesus declared, "I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children, yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in hart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. 

The commentary in my Bible expands on this further, specifically in regards to verse 28: "...eternal rest for all who seek forgiveness of their sins and freedom from the crushing legalistic burden and guilt of trying to earn salvation by good works."

Crushing and rest are such polar opposite words-one I'm experiencing and the other I desire more than anything. To just rest. To stop. To be still. I'm immediately reminded of Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still." I don't even know how to get out of the way long enough to let anyone else do the fighting for me. 

I've long not been a fan of my spiritual giftings. I'm not one who reads the Bible and feels like the Lord has imparted much wisdom...and as I type that I realize that what I've been given in my desire to write this post is exactly that- I read a text and felt so profoundly that the Lord is explaining that I don't have the most wise- His revelations are given to those such as myself, one who often feels so childlike in her faith. I'm constantly not where I think I should be. I don't have enough Scripture memorized. I don't do this or that. I'm not sure where I land on XY or Z issue. But do you know what? The Lord is so near to me right now. In the midst of this divorce that I hate so much I feel such peace and closeness to the God who is near to the brokenhearted. Who is near to Elizabeth, as my counselor restated today in session.  God is near to me. And He loves and does not condemn me. His heart is broken over the state of my  marriage but it is not broken over me. 

I'm unsure if my soul has ever had rest. I'm unsure if I'd know what to do with peace. With security and not seeking. Lately it's been revealed to me that I've been long surrounded by people that don't feel safe to me. Not in a physical way but in an emotional way. And though I'm not someone who has been the victim of physical abuse, I'd say the emotional apathy is equally debilitating. It breaks my heart to know that I struggle to attach but, as I think through this, I wonder if I'm just keenly aware of who is and is not safe to attach to and so I keep those individuals limited. I have many, many, shallow and semi-intimate relationships and only a handful of real, honest, safe ones. I don't yet have the answer to what makes someone safe in my eyes but I will say that I frequently take leaps of faith to let people audition for that role. And when they let me down I don't forget it. I am deeply wounded by emotional betrayal. In a way that perhaps many others may not be. I don't feel other or less than in this, but I do feel a huge difference in how I can express myself and explain away my life with such transparency that I'm not afraid to say the thing because I know deep down the other person either has felt the same way or wouldn't care one single bit about sharing the deep, profound ugliness in my heart. And sometimes, y'all, it's real ugly. 

I have no idea what the future holds for me but I know Who holds me and that is what makes all the difference. I've always had someone as a crutch and to fall back on. I've never lived in a way where I can discover the things that I truly enjoy without taking into account the feelings of others. Do you want the fish and chips with dinner? I'll share with you so you can get what you want and I'll get a burger another time. Would you rather go bowling than to a movie? I'll put it aside for today. And then every day after that. And while this trait can be admirable- being selfless, that is, over time I've come to realize that my incessant desire to make everyone else happy around me made me lose the ability to advocate for myself. In finding ways to love everyone else, I lost myself. I firmly believe there's a joy to the journey and that who we are and what we're about can ebb and flow. But I've spent much of my life hyper sensitive to managing perceptions of how others view me. And none of that has given rest. Each time I've adopted a new piece of someone else I've found a new thing to add to the busyness. 

The busyness is the labor. The managing opinions of others and what I'm willing to accept as reality for me is heavy. But God. It's always the "but God" that gets me because it shows a change in course. Things were one way and then God changed the trajectory of the story. He changed it for His glory and His glory alone. Though I'm not entirely sure what it is God's doing in my life I know He's up to something and it doesn't have to be something big. Maybe this is just an opportunity for me to dive the next step further in my walk with Him to understand all the more that He's enough and always has been. Despite distractions of daily life He's been faithful. I've been the one who has gone on with their life in a way that was too busy to value what it meant to abide with him. Not in some kitschy way but in a way that my heart literally longs for Him. In a way I've not experienced...dare I say...ever? A fire relit that what I'm supposed to be doing is exactly where I'm at. Next steps are a mystery to me and not to Him. Through our time together I'm trusting that he'll make me brave. 

I can do hard things. I've done them all my life. But I don't see myself as brave. I see fearless but not brave and to me there's a very clear difference. Fearless is devoid of care that something could go awry. Bravery considers all options and still pushes forward. It's aware of the consequences and still chooses to take action. It's doing something difficult that may hurt for awhile but you trust the goodness of God enough on the other side to see it through. His sufficiency is ultimate. And we can grasp for control and grip the steering wheel until our knuckles turn white and it's all just an illusion. We were never in control anyway. And thank the Lord for that because left to my own devices I make a really terrible god. I have porous boundaries and am naïve. I perpetually assume the best in a way that brings out my worst. I make excuses and cover up shortcomings. 

I am all of these things, sure, but they pale in comparison to who God says I am and that is chosen. And coming off such a significant time of not feeling chosen, worthy, or otherwise, that's the sweetest gift I can think of. I don't need to be chosen by anyone else. I'd love to be, sure, but I'd love to believe so firmly that Christ is all that it's unnecessary. A nice addition but not worth sacrificing where life truly comes from for. So the rest is coming, I can feel it. The burdens lightening by the day. The bravery coming in waves. And I will spend every day for the rest of my life thankful for an opportunity to be chosen day after day after day for being exactly who I am and confident even more so in Whose I am.