Couch Corners

 I fell in love with Jesus in the corner of a couch. In the midst of deep and profound brokenness, searching for clarity, comfort, and peace, Jesus met me all over again. Hours after laying face down on the floor crying out, telling Him everything I wanted, the plans I had and what I intended to do, and fully ready to pivot on that if He would just tell me to I felt no change of heart. I prayed for a dream, a sign, ANYTHING supernatural to come into my life to show me what to do. 

I slept deeply for hours and awoke with no dreams. Carried on about my morning with a walk and excessive caffeine. Poured myself in the book of Matthew with the worship music so loud in my earbuds I could feel it in my bones. I just read. And read and read and read. Eventually coming to Matthew 7:24-29:

 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. ”When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.

My life has been built on sand-sometimes wet and a bit more sturdy, but by and large, dry and brittle and formless. I've hidden behind busyness at times and thrive on distraction. Seeking to find security in anything and anyone. It was just yesterday that a longtime friend expressed that insecurity is the symptom of something else-oftentimes fear. And my deep seeded insecurities are vast. Only recently have I tapped into  the "why" behind them and that road is long  but it is not scary. My inability to attach deeply to much of anyone has been a long, common thread. And that's all because I have been so shallowly rooted.

Though saved for decades, I was unaware of the fact that the Lord could see me and love me right where I was. I knew it intellectually but I didn't feel it. And He met me right where I was-huddled in the corner of a the couch in a hotel room surrounded by pillows and blankets letting Truth flow over me through melodies. It wasn't glamorous and over the top-it was pure and it was holy and it was good because HE is good. And as I venture into a life of trading one way of living for another, relearning what I believe the Bible says about what God's plan is for our lives as we be the hands and feet of Christ in the world, I'm struck with such a peace that it is ok for me to have security. And that's from Him and Him alone. No relationship, no failed relationship, no children, no friends, no work or accomplishment- it's in Him. 

Instead of doing the work to find my identity in Him because the validation from others can some much quicker from a phone call or text, I crowd fund my validation. I poll the audience for decision making. The audience has been my god for years. The crowd is who I've served. And it has taken me to being in a place of profound brokenness that I have come to realize that the sand has washed away. And He is the rock that was underneath the whole time. I can trust that He's enough and a life with just Him is more than a life worth living. I can most impact those around me and love my family when my worth is tied in Him. 

For years I've done what I thought I was supposed to. I have denied self and made excuses. I've created a life of loving others and I love that. But I am drained but not empty. I am hopeful and expectant. I am searching for God in the details because for as long as I can remember I've been so afraid to acknowledge that the good things may actually be sent from Him-all too quick to not over spiritualize. The idea of being alone or in silence has long terrified me. But I have spent a night alone in a hotel room diving into what it is the Lord would have for me. And I woke up ready to do work. I discovered what dumplings I like to order, what coffee I want to drink, and that loud music isn't a crutch- it brings me joy.

As I build a new house on a rock it's going to be a good house. It may be small and unfurnished for awhile but that foundation is going to be strong because the Lord has equipped me and wired me in a way that's uniquely mine. And instead of shunning that and feeling bad that it's not different, I'm being so sweetly broken in a way to discover who I am, but more importantly, Whose I am. I'm full of optimism that I have been on my literal knees begging God to show me what it is He has for me and I'm fully convinced it's a life where He wants to be the ground with which everything is built upon. I have had such common grace to see success in my life like so many others have, but the time has come to readdress the why and remember why I started. 

I want a life full of love and service. Of laughter and connection. I'm optimistic that will come but I'm also aware that the longstanding work it will take to get there will not be easy. We're not promised easy-in fact, quite the opposite. But I'm in for the long haul and if there's anything I know for certain it's that Jesus is sufficient. He is good and he will always be enough.